Adult SexEd


You Are Not Broken

Libido/Desire Differences in Partners


I talk with Dr. Jennifer Vencill and Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy about libido and desire differences between partners. They are co-authors of the book Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.


  • Why did they need to write a book about desire?
  • Desire discrepancy should be part of adult sex education.
  • “Your desire should match your partner” is a myth.
  • Why do we want to blame someone or make someone be the problem in a relationship for having a low libido?
  • The stereotype is that the low libido person is the female – but that is not always the case.
  • We define responsive desire.
  • Four requirements for responsive desire – consent, pleasure, focus, time
  • When you have sex for your partner or fulfill a duty – if this is the default or only motivator for sex it can really affect your desire. Tips for getting out of this pattern.
  • We talk about shame and sex.
  • Your sexuality does not exist in a bubble.
  • We suss out asexuality versus low desire. Asexuality is a self-identity label and a valid sexual orientation.
  • What to do when not attracted to a partner anymore?
  • Is attraction as fluid as desire is?
  • We talk about “sexual destiny” beliefs versus sexual growth beliefs and how these can hurt and benefit our relationships.
  • Tips for the high libido partner. Reducing pressure on their partner and managing their rejection and disappointment reactions. Consider what you are longing for when you seek sexual connection or sexual frequency.
  • Tips for trying to conceive with low libido
  • Is “desire discrepancy” in a relationship a deal breaker? Not usually.
  • What to do when your partner stonewalls you or doesn’t want to work on the relationship.

MORE ABOUT Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy

Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy (she/her) is a licensed psychologist and an AASECT certified sex therapist. She received her doctorate in clinical psychology and completed her postdoctoral training at the University of Minnesota’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health. She has advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy and Gottman Method Couple Therapy. She specializes in sexual health and relationships and owns her own private practice in Minnesota.

Find Dr. Fogel Mersy on IG, Facebook, and TikTok


MORE ABOUT Dr. Jennifer Vencill

Dr. Jennifer Vencill (she/her) is an assistant professor, board certified clinical health psychologist, and AASECT certified sex therapist at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. Her research focuses on sexual health and health disparities in marginalized sexual and gender communities.

Find Dr. Vencill on Instagram



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Kelly Casperson, MD


Kelly Casperson, MD

She’s the sister, urologist, sex expert and friend you never knew you needed….until now.

Dr. Kelly Casperson is a board certified urologist. That makes her an expert of the pelvis. And her mission is to empower women to live their best love lives. Because let’s be honest. None of us were taught right. Combining the power of mind, body and relationships, Dr. Kelly joyously breaks down the societal barriers that are keeping us from awakening into our best intimate experience.

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Whether you are young or past menopause, single or in a long-term bond, it is never too late or too early to realize YOU ARE NOT BROKEN. With humor, candor and ease, I break down the stories that we have been told about being sexual beings, to help us play, explore, and normalize our lives. Nothing in this podcast is personal medical advice, of course.

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