ABOUT THE EPISODE
I talk with Dr. Jennifer Vencill and Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy about libido and desire differences between partners. They are co-authors of the book Desire: An Inclusive Guide to Navigating Libido Differences in Relationships.
HERE’S WHAT WE DISCUSS
- Why did they need to write a book about desire?
- Desire discrepancy should be part of adult sex education.
- “Your desire should match your partner” is a myth.
- Why do we want to blame someone or make someone be the problem in a relationship for having a low libido?
- The stereotype is that the low libido person is the female – but that is not always the case.
- We define responsive desire.
- Four requirements for responsive desire – consent, pleasure, focus, time
- When you have sex for your partner or fulfill a duty – if this is the default or only motivator for sex it can really affect your desire. Tips for getting out of this pattern.
- We talk about shame and sex.
- Your sexuality does not exist in a bubble.
- We suss out asexuality versus low desire. Asexuality is a self-identity label and a valid sexual orientation.
- What to do when not attracted to a partner anymore?
- Is attraction as fluid as desire is?
- We talk about “sexual destiny” beliefs versus sexual growth beliefs and how these can hurt and benefit our relationships.
- Tips for the high libido partner. Reducing pressure on their partner and managing their rejection and disappointment reactions. Consider what you are longing for when you seek sexual connection or sexual frequency.
- Tips for trying to conceive with low libido
- Is “desire discrepancy” in a relationship a deal breaker? Not usually.
- What to do when your partner stonewalls you or doesn’t want to work on the relationship.
MORE ABOUT Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy
Dr. Lauren Fogel Mersy (she/her) is a licensed psychologist and an AASECT certified sex therapist. She received her doctorate in clinical psychology and completed her postdoctoral training at the University of Minnesota’s Institute for Sexual and Gender Health. She has advanced training in Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy and Gottman Method Couple Therapy. She specializes in sexual health and relationships and owns her own private practice in Minnesota.
Find Dr. Fogel Mersy on IG, Facebook, and TikTok
MORE ABOUT Dr. Jennifer Vencill
Dr. Jennifer Vencill (she/her) is an assistant professor, board certified clinical health psychologist, and AASECT certified sex therapist at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. Her research focuses on sexual health and health disparities in marginalized sexual and gender communities.
Find Dr. Vencill on Instagram
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